Spasmodic Blog

Mom.....?

"Do you have healthy breasts?"

"Um....well, yes, but....please don't talk about that -- I mean, don't ask anybody else that question.  It's okay to ask me but...nobody else, okay?"

Alex stole that line from a song, innocently enough.  He heard it when I was listening to a Cake song called "Italian Leather Sofa".  The song is about a girl who's only interested in a guy for his money:

She doesn't care whether or not he's an island

She doesn't care, just as long as his ship's coming in 

They laugh, they make money

She's got a silk dress and

Healthy breasts that bounce 

on his Italian leather sofa. 

 

Granted, I should NOT have been listening to that song when Alex was around.  It was wrong.   I promise that it won't happen again.  It's just...I've been a little obsessed with Cake recently.  I've stopped listening to the news again, and I have replaced it with something lelse-- something musical.  The music drowns out all of the yucky news of the world.   

I went into our one remaining record store the other day, looking for more CAKE. Unfortunately, I've already got all 6 of their albums, and have played every song incessantly.  There was no new Cake.   However, I did find a used, "Squeeze: Greatest Hits" CD (and yes, I still buy CDs).  Man, what a cute '80s band!  So now, that has been on in the car and there is no mention of breasts in any of their songs, I think (not 100% sure yet).  But at least it isn't violent.

Which leads me to my next obsession:  Game of Thrones.  OMG.  What an amazing, totally over-the-top show about fake countries, medieval gore, zombies, sexual ridiculousness, etc, etc!  It's fab.  It has everything --  even an incestuous relationship with Downton Abbey, my other TV obsession.  (IE, we've seen a few Downton actors appear in the GOT world. Very disconcerting!)  And NO, I do not watch it when the kids are around.  No way.  I can barely watch it myself, it's so horrendously vile and intriguing.  Check it out!  The first season is already on demand on HBO.  Beware:  it's not for the faint of heart.  

Mother's Day, 2012

Mother's Day is SUCH a good idea!  It always feels like an extra birthday.  This year was no exception;  my family gave me the royal treatment and I thoroughly enjoyed it. (Wish I could've done better for my mom when I was growing up. It seems like the holiday is a bigger deal than it used to be.)  The kids all gave me homemade cards, David helped me organize my chairs and he even went on a "chair run" to pay for and pickup my latest acquisition: an art deco club chair.  In fact, I felt sort of sorry for David on Sunday.  Dads have it rough on Mother's Day.   

And -- belatedly, on Monday -- Alex gave me the extra-special gift of not throwing a fit at the dentist's office. Yes!  It was weird.  He went willingly with the hygienist, he opened his mouth, he did everything she asked him to do and he had no cavities!  I told the dentist that "I've never had a 3 year old do that before."   It stunned me for the rest of the day.  I told Alex that I was "very proud" of him, and found myself getting misty-eyed when describing the visit to others.   It was (oddly) one of the most significant, fairy tale-like parenting experiences I've had.  Every once in a while, these things happen, I guess.

Problem with Craigslist: Nobody Loves Me!

Perhaps the older you get, the more paranoid you get.  (And deafer, which -- I've heard-- can cause even more paranoia!). Back in March, I was everybody's Craigslist darling -- the cool new chick who was scoring all of the worthy stuff for dirt cheap.  But now?  I'm a nobody!  I swear, people are just NOT RESPONDING to my inquiries...and haven't been for the past TWO WEEKS....they seem to deliberately ignore/delete the messages....hence, I am missing out on some truly fabulous chairs....oh, the HUMANITY!   

And even AOL Help ignored me when I asked them to "chat" about this issue.  I thought maybe my email was just accidentally blocking out a bunch of would-be sellers, but did AOL care about my Craigslist problem?  NOOOOO.  They ignored me.  I'm telling you, this could be the final straw, out of an entire box of multi-colored straws, that has fallen on a tough old camel's back.  I may have to open an email account WITH SOMEBODY ELSE.  

David kindly offered to "test" Craigslist for me.  He sent out an inquiry last night, for a particularly fine, tufted side chair which would have been a fabulous score.  HOWEVER, ask me if David has let me know what happened to that inquiry?  NOOOOO.  C'mon people!  The early bird catches the worm in this business!  It's cut-throat.  But Callous David has thrown me under the bus  --- just like all of the others did----*SIGH*  

[ Later this AM]  oh.  wait a minute.  I just checked my email and David says he got a response regarding the tufted chair.  Ok!  Never mind. 

I just had to...

Show you these boots!  They would be very appropriate for the bizarre weather we've been having this spring:  hot, cold, wet, dry, etc, etc....sorry that this one appears to be marching off the screen, though....

There's a Whole New Ocean Out There

The kids, David and I were watching "Frozen Planet" on Sunday night when we learned about the Southern Ocean.  Ever heard of it?  We hadn't.  We were stunned (at least, I was) to learn that there is a whole ocean that we didn't remember from grade school geography.  Well, not to worry, folks!  It's pretty new.  You can google it if you are curious.  It was named in 2000, although this begs the question of what it was called before that.  "That Other Ocean"? or:  "The Water Around Antarctica"? 

 

Craigslist Addiction

Chair-hunting has led me to a curious new addiction: Craigslist.  I check it obsessively every day, searching for treasures in the hundreds of "Boston" listings for "chair".  Somebody told me that it's a great way to find the good stuff without paying through the nose.  He also told me that I shouldn't do it since I am a woman and "it's not safe."  PSHAW!  Here's the plan:  my ex-husband (a 6'3", 200 plus-pounder) will collect my gems, since he's a man and he's got a mini-van, to boot.  Here's something he picked up for me the other day:

 But I'll still check out the posh neighborhoods sans escort;  am I taking too big a risk?  

BTW:  I am going for a Botox shot on Tuesday.  The voice is starting to fail in certain situations.  Wish me luck (ie, pure venom) for this next go-round.  After all, Botox is like a box of chocolates --- that is, you never what you're gonna get, or how strong the mix will be.  Let's hope Dr. Franco paid top $$ for the good stuff this time!

Snail Chair

I ,see, as usual, that readers are just too stunned -- too overwhelmed by the sheer excitement of my announcement, perhaps -- to comment on it.  Oh well.  I want to "shair" with you a special chair:  the Nautilus, aka "snail" chair, designed by Vladimir Kagan in the 70s.  I bought one for cheap on ebay!  Take a look:

It is possible that this chair was not actually authorized by VK, since his name does not appear anywhere on the chair.  In which case, this is a copy.  But no matter.  It looks just like the real thing, and once I'm done reupholstering it, it will look fab.

BTW: I just finished my very first project:  a bench.  Take a look at this!:

These are terrible photos and do not do my masterpiece justice by a long shot.  Must be the camera.  

Duffy Moon

You can do it, Duffy Moon!

Hundreds of ideas for my new store keep coming into my head!  It's a mania!  I've started hoarding;  I'm surfing Ebay and Craigslist, tracking chairs obsessively.  It's not easy, folks.  And stuff isn't cheap.  I'm truly amazed sometimes by how expensive things are -- or at least, the prices people are asking. Some of the prices are just plain obscene.   I keep staring at the computer and asking: Are You Fucking Serious?  ( Maybe I should just exclaim: "AYFS?!") Never fear:  I am resolved to find cheap yet also sufficiently vintage chairs wherever I go.  It will be my mission in life.

Is this the mid-life crisis that I referred to, a few entries back?  I suppose.  Once again, I am reminded of the unforgettable, after-school special titled "The Amazing Cosmic Awareness of Duffy Moon", which has (no doubt) inspired numerous middle-schoolers over the years.  I finally found a clip of it on Youtube.  Be warned: this kid is the most adorable Disney actor ever hired -- even cuter than Kurt Russell, back in the day.  What happened to him?  He looks like an American Davy Jones. Anyway:  please fast-forward to minute 6:07 to get to the good part, where he puffs up his cheeks and thinks:  "You can do it, Duffy Moon!"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LiMxBlh2HTQ&feature=related

This kid is me, you understand, thinking I can open a store.  Maybe I should call the store "Duffy Moon" instead of "the Chairity shop" because, well, anything is possible.  Of course, there could be a copywright infringement there....

Announcement

The entries have been rather sparse recently.  Although the family has taken up a lot of time (mostly, my 7 year old has turned into a basket case) there is another good reason for the decrease in writing.  Folks: out of arrogant ambition (or maybe simple naivete) I have FOUND my calling! Yay!! It has taken about 10 years of soul searching, complaining, pestering, occasional drinking bouts and finally, I've decided what I should do with my life:

Upholster.

Yes, I understand it may seem mundane to some. HOWEVER: I promise to use my future skills in service of others.  Here's my plan:

Step 1:  Buy and hoard cheap and free (preferably antique) furniture in my basement.

Step 2:  Keep taking the upholstery class until I know my sh*t.

Step 3: Upholster collected furniture -- stylishly, not trendily -- and ....

Step 4:  Sell it.  For charity.  I mean:  For Chairity.

Of course, step 4 will probably be about...5 years away.  When I'm 45.  

I was really depressed about turning 40, despite the fact that my life was great and everybody was doing well.  It was very hard for me to let go of youth until I....realized that I'm still here, life isn't much different and THERE'S A WHOLE BIG WORLD OUT THERE!!!  Wow.  What a liberating thing getting older can be.  It's really great.   

I am hoping that my boys will grow up to be strong furniture movers who will work in my store for minimum wages.  I plan on using my cousin (and her MBA) to do all the business side of things, because that stuff is tricky.  I've got a friend who can do cool graphics and internet/website type stuff.  The PR part will be a challenge...and also the big question:  Who is gonna buy this stuff?  Will people respond to stylish old chairs?  Will they fork over the money for rescued furniture, especially if they know that the proceeds would go to charity?   And then, there's the funding question.  Who would invest in such a project?There's a lot to think about....

It takes a Village to Pick a Carpet Sample

Not really.  But it did take me (1 person) several months to find the perfect, exactly right oriental/neutral/goes-with-anything carpet runner which is currently being installed on our staircase.  Yah.  The final selection (after numerous excursions to the inconveniently located carpet store, lugging big boards full of little squares of rugs) is the "French Garden" style in the "Obstinate" color combo.  What is "Obstinate", you ask.  Well, "Obstinate" is a rusty/orangey/browney color.  I don't quite understand why it is named the way it is.  I could've chosen "Awesome" or "Wonderful" but Nooo,  I chose Obstinate.   

Thank goodness it looks okay.  The thing is costing us a fortune.  We are pretty much bleeding money from every orifice at this point.  (Incidentally, I believe that the "Obstinate" color will not show blood stains.)  And I am thinking we will have to live with it pretty much forever.  It does beat the previous, yucky beige carpeting which was finally ripped out a few weeks ago.  One step at a time, baby.