Spasmodic Blog

Sick

I got an A- in my first interior design class!  Yay for me!  I'm very proud.  My next class is upholstery and I've already picked my project: a small bench which will sit in our front stairwell.  We'll see how that goes...

On Tuesday, I took a "field trip", to a shop on the south shore called Beyond Gorgeosity.  I figured that with a name like that, it has to be good.

And it is.  Also expensive.  The place has very fabulous, wonderful retro stuff at big prices.  I was charmed immediately.  The owners chatted me up and got me talking about furniture.  One of the 2 men (I suspect they are a couple) had a hoarse, scratchy voice which was quite strained.  He sounded kind of like a male Rachel Ray.  I wonder if he's got some disorder to related to SD...?  The other man spoke easily and took me around for a personal tour.  He tried to get me to buy a pair of Louis XV chairs -- for 800 bucks a piece! -- and I truly believed him when he said that it would be a discount.  I gave him the well-worn, time-honored response of "I'll think about it."  However..

The next thing that I saw was jaw dropping.  

"I call it the 'coat hanger' lamp," he said, when he saw me looking up at an Italian glass chandelier, bent and shaped loosely like a clothes hanger, with 3 separate bulbs poking out of green glass bases that were attached to the hanger.

"I guess it's...1940s, maybe?"  I asked.  I was right.

Now, I know zilch about 1940s Italian light fixtures, but somehow I knew this chandelier.  It spoke to me.  It said:  "Lee, please buy me."   And, of course, it was ridiculously expensive.

I left the store without it but I couldn't get the stupid thing out of my head.  It haunted me.  It was so bizarre.  I showed a photo of it to David and he said:  "Interesting."  No big response.  Then I showed the same photo to my mother and she said: "Ew, it looks phallic."  

"Well...it's got 3 of them, and I have 3 boys..."  I offered.

And after the third day of the Haunting, I buckled.  I emailed the owner, asking him about layaway and he offered me a deal:  20 % off and a 4 month installment plan.  And so, I actually purchased the crazy looking thing.  I honestly could not help myself.  I told David:

"I'm sorry.  I can't explain why I like it.  I just do.  It's weird and I don't know why I bought it."  Poor David.

I just showed a photo to Andre and he said: "Wow!  I actually like this thing!"  Vindication!  The crazy thing will now hang in our office, for eternity, or until one of our kids pawns it for video games.  

 http://www.1stdibs.com/furniture_item_detail.php?id=573642

the House is getting a Boob Job!

Indeed.  Our house is a lovely old Victorian, but it has no...fireplaces.  Such a tragedy!  It's kind of like having no boobs.  And I consider fireplaces to be an essential house body part (at least in New England) so we have invested big bucks into installing a...(gasp) salvaged, carved marble fireplace with a gas insert!  Yes!  So thrilling.  Here's a link -- take a look:

http://www.noreast1.com/mt0016a.JPG

This thing is really making my winter.  We have really missed having a primal flame to gather around during the bitterly cold months.  It has probably led to more than one uprising of the brutal peasant children with whom we live.  A hearth can be so calming.   I have had to light more candles, and I am not a big candle person.  

As for my voice, it is starting to leave me again -- very slowly this time.  Just a twinge here and there;  I can feel it but nobody can hear it.  And of course!  It's just in time for the next class I'm taking: upholstery.  Can't wait to start the class, at any rate.   I'm going crazy waiting around for it, getting all excited about details like fireplace installation.  And Heidi and Seal's divorce -- I mean, WHO KNEW??  At least she waited until after Christmas.  and JOHNNY DEPP???  Who would have thought that the single coolest person on the planet could ever split from his sweetheart?  It is just too much to believe.

 

 

Hear My Prayer

Please, Divine Being, let me never write a post about Starbucks and religion (at the same time)!  Today I was minding my own business, reading up about model Lauren Scruggs -- the one who walked into the airplane propeller -- and I came upon this Caringbridge.com post written by her mother:

At times in my life, Starbucks has been like my home away from home........I've done a lot of praying there, and a lot of writing. It was there that I wrestled with the Lord, on so many occasions (while the people sitting next to me, or walking past me had no idea what I was doing...ha ha), asking Him to please restore my marriage. It was here that I spent 5 years writing our book, I Do Again. 

For me, Starbucks has been a place of Peace, where God has given me many blessings. It's been my meeting place with others where meaningful conversations have taken place, and relationships have been deepened. Still is............

Oh my.  Well, you get the idea.  All I really wanted was the gory details about Lauren, and her surgeries and recovery, etc, etc, and instead there was this....bizarre religious fervour, coupled with a non-fat latte.  Very odd, indeed.

Also today, I am driving a loner car, since our Prius has gone in for a much-needed service and detailing (ie, hosing down).  I hope they will fumigate it.  And the loner car is.... (drum roll, please)...a brand-new, yellow Fiat 500!  Yessir.  It is the cutest little car ever.  I love it. It's like driving a go-cart.  And it actually has back seats, which is not obvious from the exterior.  Let's see if I can find a photo.

I think my mid-life crisis has officially begun!

Intentional Doomsday

I should NOT LISTEN TO NPR.  It's too scary.  The other day, I was on my way to lunch with David when I heard, in the car, that "scientists are considering adjusting the Doomsday Clock."  Whoa.  What was that?  I didn't really catch all the details, but it sounded pretty bad.  The radio announcer reported that it's "Six minutes to midnight", with midnight being Doomsday, or the destruction of mankind.

When we were waiting for our waitress to come to the table, I told David and he tried to type in "International Doomsday Clock" on his smart phone.  The first thing the phone suggested was "intentional doomsday" (whatever THAT means -- it's probably yet another thing to worry about) and finally, we hit upon the explanation of the clock.  It's a fictional clock.  It was invented by the Journal of Atomic Scientists back in the 1940s, and it has ALWAYS been close to midnight.  In fact, it has never NOT been close to midnight. There have been many adjustments, which were made because of current events (eg, Berlin Wall falling, end of Cold War, etc, etc)   The furthest it got away from 12 was, I believe, 12 minutes to midnight.  So there you go.  Nothing to worry about, right?  Right.  Never mind the pesky details, and the reasons why it might go to 5 or 4 minutes to midnight.  Is it our problem?  I don't think so.  I hope not.

Perhaps "Intentional Doomsday" will be the title of Ms. Stephanie Meyer's new book series, after her Twilight series fades into the dust.  Zombies, perhaps?  No, no... it's been done.  I think it's time for more werewolves, or werepeople, or werewomen?  Hmm....maybe I'm onto something here....

A Jar of Angry Bees

Happy 2012 Everybody!  I keep writing "2021" by accident....and I wonder what would Freud make of my transposition?  Do I really wish to be EVEN OLDER than I am already? I will be 50 that year.   Hmm...

As usual, I've been frittering away the hours reading regretsy.com posts, and it is truly amazing what one can learn from the commentary.  There are so many literate, witty and annoyed people out there that it makes me feel a bit silly for thinking that I should write a blog.  Their current target of intense scrutiny is Paypal, with whom the regretsy fans are quite dissatisfied.  One commenter threatened to send "an angry jar of bees" to the CEO of Paypal, which I thought was funny.  I think s/he really did mean to say that the jar itself was angry. Maybe I'm giving them too much credit?

However mundane my existence/efforts may be, there is one thing that I'm good at: GAYDAR.  Remember when (back in 2007? 2008?) I mentioned that the Sophie B. Hawkins song "Damn, I wish I was your Lover" was about lesbians?  Just this morning, I found out that I was right!!  Take a look:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/01/05/10-songs-with-queer-secret-subtexts_n_1186532.html?ncid=webmail8#s589352&title=Sophie_B_Hawkins

Of course, we were ALL clear on "YMCA", but that Sophie B. song went under most people's radars.  I told ya.  You read it here first, my friends!!

If Your Family Don't Like it, Give it to a Neighbor!

I love fruitcake, but I know I'm pretty much alone with that sentiment.  Here's a special holiday tune devoted to my beloved fruitcake:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r-wQNwgyEuM

Enjoy!  And yes, that is the guy from the B-52s!

 

'Tis the Season (to Announce your Divorce)

Talk about stress.  No less than 3 couples who are close to us have announced that they are divorcing.  Dude.  Wtf?  Couldn't you have waited until after Christmas?  Why add this extra stress to your lives during an already, typically stressful time of the year?  Are you all gluttons for punishment?

One of the divorcing people is such a close friend that I immediately announced to her that I would be her Divorce Sponsor.  Yessir:  I feel that it is my duty, having been Divorced now for 11 years, to take all of her phone calls, and offer comfort whenever possible. That's partly because I'm nice but mostly because she listened to all of my crap 11 years ago.  It's only right.  It's part of The Divorce Program.  Here are the other tenets:

1) The Sponsor must always agree that the ex-husband is an asshole

2) The Sponsor must share the trials and tribulations -- the sorrows, etc, at frequent alcoholic gatherings and (not least)

3)The Sponsor must introduce her to any single men I know (there's still a few left!)

Divorce is such a free fall.  It's exhilirating and terrifying.  And it destoys the family landscape...which was the worst part of it.  I wish our loved ones did not have to experience this.  And again:  Couldn't it have waited until January?  I'm just saying.

Make the Yuletide Gay (NEW!)

There are some new (or new to me), exciting holiday activities taking place out there.  For starters, there are people cooking turduckens= turkey, duck & chicken roasts, which I would never dream of cooking in a thousand years. Who invented that idea?  Must've been somebody who was supremely bored.  For Number 2:  there are now dinosaur christmas tree ornaments.  I don't recall those from past years.  (Do you?)   And three -- well, I seem to have forgotten that third thing.  I'll remember it shortly, when I get my mind back after menopause...(the pause that erases?)

...Meanwhile: anybody else spot any new Christmas trends?  Feel free to comment below....

(later) I remember the third thing!  It's the upside-down Christmas tree.  Now, somebody told me that this was not a new trend, but since I don't remember it from last year, I'm going to pretend that it is new.  

----

PS:  I am still very excited about that faraway planet Kepler, btw.  Can't wait to go there!  Let's blow this pop town!  (Let's leave Noam Chomsky here, though.  He's kind of a downer.)

 

 

NSFW

Those letters mean "not safe for work", by the way.  I was just looking at the Regretsy website again (bad girl).  Some of the comments are funnier than the posts.  I'm gonna post one of them here, but if you get offended easily, you may not want to read them...

All right – now for some XXX-mas themed porn titles:

Pah Rump a Rump Rump
Little Cummer Boy
O Cum on Ye Faithful
Silent Night, Hole-y Night
God Suck ye Merry Gentlemen
I’ll be Homo for Christmas
Ring Christmas Balls
Frosty the Blowman
Rudolph the Red-Assed Reindeer
A Gay in a Manger
Suck the Balls
Ding Dong Merrily a Guy
I Came Upon Midnight, Dear
O Come Emmanuel in Thailand
We Three Kings of Orient Are Horny
Let it Blow
Nutting for Christmas

Feel free to add…

 

Mary's Boy Child

Yippee! I'm finally done with my first Interior Design class!  And it went extremely well, I might add.  The professor turned out to be very nice, although slightly batty.  It occurred to me that maybe the reason she doesn't respond to some questions is because (maybe) she doesn't hear them.  And she's too proud (with her fine Boston heritage) to do anything about it!  Oh well.

Now, many of you may not know this, but I play the steel drum.  Yes.  And badly.  Indeed. I gave it up pretty soon after I started, so now the steel drum sits sadly in the basement.  Nevertheless, I still enjoy listening to steel drums and....there is a great, classic Christmas song which features them!  Ever heard "Mary's Boy Child" by Boney M?  Of course you have!  You've heard a zillion times, just like you've heard "Feliz Navidad" a zillion times, only you are able to remember the name of that one.  My car radio is tuned to 103.3 so that I can hear nonstop Christmas music, and I just (finally!) heard the title to that groovy, Caribbean sounding tune.  And did you know that it was written by Harry Belafonte?  Yah.  Cool piece of Xmas trivia for ya.  Here it is with the lyrics:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cCZx5GrmJzk

This one is definitely on my top ten list of best xmas recordings, along with "White Christmas" by the Drifters and (this would be #1): "Last Christmas" by Wham.